It seems like I only update this thing when I have something bad going on in my life. I guess I should get a Livejournal and bitch about it there, but... this will do for now. I'm just sort of feeling depressed, and I'm confused. Life is getting very complicated right now... It seems impossible to get my head around everything, especially when I'm still so emotional about it. I've come to the place where I'm second guessing everything; the things I enjoy, the direction I want to take with my life, everything really. And it's come to the question that I really don't want to have to answer, but I can't really ignore: What am I doing wrong?

What is it that's creating all of the chaos in my life? Is it my own weak spiritual faith? I'm starting to doubt it more and more these days, wondering if I'm really living the life that God wants me to lead. Even though I think I've improved so much in the past years, in growing my confidence and becoming more aware of the world around me, I still think I'm falling short in some areas. And those areas seem enough to through everything out of wack. Some recent events have left me doubting even my own strength of character; am I just martyring myself for lack of a better choice? Or am I just a fool, in so many ways, to bring myself to this point, and allow myself to hurt?

I can't decipher my own motives anymore. Maybe I'm jealous; maybe I wish I had what everyone else seems to have, or has had. But I tell myself I'm too weak, too pathetic, unqualified in some way to get what I want, what my heart says that I need, and I suffer for it, letting it go by. Maybe it's for the better; maybe I'm better off without. Or maybe I could have been really, genuinely happy, because it seems so right, more wonderful than anything I've ever known. But I can't forgive myself; I can't forgive others, and I can't seem to be able to figure out what to do with what I'm given in life. Maybe I just prefer to be in pain, prefer to stick that knife through my chest, than to have the courage to stand up for what I believe in and risk losing it.

All I know is, it hurts. It hurts worse than anything I've ever felt before. Life seems like one of those bullies that beat you silly, then just when you've picked yourself up and your wounds have healed, comes at you again even worse than before. It feels like something, whether it's God or fate or just unlucky chance, just wants to keep pushing me towards the edge, to keep dumping heavy weights onto my shoulders until I fall off, or fall over and can't get up again. It feels like that.

But something stubborn inside me can't seem to give in to it; I feel like the more stuff happens, the more I want to resist. The more pressure there is, the more I want to overcome it. Like if I just keep pushing back, it might give up one day and go away. I can't stand the thought of going under; I used to be like that, only a few years ago. I let it all roll over me; it weighed me down, until I couldn't even move, just stared at the ceiling feeling the pain in every one of my limbs. But it's not like that anymore; through all the feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, it doesn't feel like my world is going to end. I know that there will be something on the other side of this storm; that maybe, if I just keep fighting, I'll come out stronger on the other side. That's the hope I latch onto, the hope I need to just keep going; and that, to me, is like God holding my hand, helping me walk through it all, his stubborn child.

This has kinda already gone on a while. I guess I just have a lot on my heart. I can't say that much of anything makes sense right now, but I least I have that little shard of hope that one day, some day, things are going to be better.